Why I quit the science stream

I was watching Naked Science on Discovery Channel which attempted to explain how the universe began.
Quoted almost directly from Naked Science:
"The universe was created when atoms collided into each other causing them to vibrate and release great heat. They then began to move around so fast that there was no longer any friction between them."
Never being any good at physics, I took ages trying to make sense of the above statement (and by doing so, missed the rest of the programme). After much contemplation, this is what I came up with:
1. The creation of the universe is very much like the elimination of fat by the Ogawa Slimming Belt (hereafter known as the Ogawa)
2. When the Ogawa is turned on, fat atoms (or cells) vibrate and collide with each other.
3. Added with heat from the Ogawa, the fat atoms no longer have any friction among them.
4. They then can be easily absorbed into the lymphatic drainage system and VOILA! No more fat!
OK, so it has nothing to do with the creation of the universe but it makes much more sense than the original statement.
And it is because of statements like these that I quit the Science Stream.
Disclaimer's note: The above interpretation is purely nonsensical and has absolutely no relation with the Ogawa Company and its ability (or lack thereof) to eliminate fat. If possible, try not to believe the above interpretation.

Charitable Me

About a year ago, while surfing for my favourite singer, Clay Aiken (who, by the way, was cute and is NOT gay), I found that he had founded a foundation (no pun intended with all the founds) meant to aid children with developmental disabilities.
Given the fact that Aiken was supporting a cause which I found dear to me (and that I was PMS-ing at that time), I ended up sobbing at the sweetness of it all.
A year later and not a year wiser, I revisited the site and fueled with the Spirit of Christmas, I decided to see if I could help the foundation. (And by doing so possibly increase the chances of me meeting Clay Aiken and proving to the world that he's not gay)
And so, I clicked onto the how to help link.
Below are the ways to help followed by my thoughts in italics.
1. Donate Online, by telephone or by mail
Eep! No money!
2. Visit our Store to purchase products. Proceeds benefit the Foundation.
Umm.. sure but only if there's a store in Malaysia.
3. Donate airline miles
I use Airasia! Airasia does not provide frequent flyer miles and it DEFINITELY does not fly to the States.
4. Designate The Bubel/Aiken Foundation as a beneficiary in your will or life insurance policy
I don't even have a will and I'm not sure if I have a life insurance policy... So no helping there!
5. You can use GoodSearch.com like any other search engine – the site is powered by Yahoo. – but each time you do, money is generated for the Foundation. Every time you search the Internet a penny is donated towards the Foundation.
Whee! I can do that! I AM charitable!!!
As of now, I am officially using Goodsearch.com as my homepage and search engine to contribute to the Bubel-Aiken Foundation. That's one step closer to bringing me to heaven! (yea right!!!)
Oh, and if you doubt my charitableness, this is a picture of an RM7 stuffed dog which was sold in the name of charity. (Of course the fact that Tim bought it instead of me does not help my case, does it?)


(No offence Tim, but yeah... I do agree with you.. It is one sad looking dog. But it's sorta in a way better than the pig that sang Tamil/Mandarin songs!)
Missing you loads Fadli....

Me and My Ogawa

I just received Ogawa's version of the Uzap for Christmas. This is good news for the supporters of the Make Sheba a Princess Project because with this handy device, which claims to produce the results equivalent to 500 sit ups in just 15 minutes, (which is good, because I can barely do 50!) Sheba can raise the chances of her snagging herself a Prince.



(This should be renamed the Portable Sit-Up)
Within 15 minutes of using this device, I lost 0.5 inches off my waist, therefore increasing my chances of attracting a prince.
Me and my Ogawa are going to go far. We already have plans:
1. Ogawa is going to turn my thighs from the size of tree trunks to the size of a baby giraffe's.
2. I'm gonna have a Jessica Alba style tummy with the help of Ogawa!
3. I won't have flabby arms anymore!
4. Slimming Sanctuary won't have any more reason to call me fat!
I'm pretty sure that no prince will be able to resist Sheba-with-baby-giraffe-thighs and a Jessica Alba-like tummy and tight toned arms!
Of course, if the Ogawa doesn't work, then it doesn't really matter because it was a free gift anyways and we'll be back where we started.
But then again, if you spot me looking slimmer than before, we all know who to thank. :D

My day in the hair salon

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Sheba.
She entered Salon X for a digital perm.
The moment the hairdresser touched her hair (he was a thin man wearing an over tight shirt and over tight jeans), he announced to the whole salon in the manner of a scientist who had just discovered a cure for cancer.
“THIS HAIR CANNOT DIGITAL PERM!”

Scandalised, she glared at him for an explanation. “You cannot use this perm,” he continued. “You must use this ISO perm”
Not knowing the difference and since he claimed that it would have the exact same results, the-girl-named-Sheba-who-only-wanted-a-digital-perm agreed.
To cut a long story short, after 3 hours of reading outdated celebrity magazines and trying to ignore the bulge that comes with male hairdressers wearing too tight jeans, the-girl-named-Sheba-who-only-wanted-a-digital-perm-but-was-coerced-to-having-an-ISO-perm-instead ended up looking like this:















A picture of me in the salon and the lower half of the hairdresser. (btw, I personally think that my hair now bears resemblance to a lion’s mane.)
As such, the-girl-named-Sheba-who-now-looks-like-a-lion-and-possibly-like-a-brunette-version-of-Chad-Kroeger-minus-the-beard is putting all dates or encounters with good looking members of the opposite sex on hold until her hair tames down.
Oh, and if you are a member of the opposite sex and you see me with lion-like hair, well.. you know that I think you’re not good looking. :p
Merry Christmas all!

The Expiry of The Road Tax

My road tax is expiring today. This poses a problem to me. You see, I’m not speaking to my dad. (Reason being he’s a cranky old man who thinks I can’t drive and require backseat driving assistance.)

As such, I am unable to speak to him to procure a new road tax. To make things worse, I already have plans for tomorrow night!

I have three choices in order to be able to drive out tomorrow night:

1. Drive the Naza out and risk scratching/bumping/ruining the car thus compelling me to replace/repair it.
2. Drive out with the expired road tax and hope to God that there are no policemen on the road that night.
3. Break my vow of silence and speak to my dad about it.

Since the third choice is out of the question (taking into account the fact that it was so obvious that my dad was wrong and it should be he who apologises and begins the conversation, not I)

The 1st is also out of the question as what little money I have in my bank already has plans to be invested into things that have absolutely nothing to do with cars.

So, as of 9.34 pm on the 20th of December 2006, I, Sheba Gumis, have resolved to take the risk of driving out with an expired road tax with an extra RM50 in my pocket to shake hands with any policeman I do meet on the road… assuming I can sum up the courage. :p

Wish me luck! (for that and for my exam results tomorrow!)

Chad Kroeger: Paddle Pop Lion's Twin?

As much as I love Nickelback and Chad Kroeger (those lovely curls!), I read somewhere that Chad Kroeger is usually teased as looking like the Paddle Pop Lion!


After much thought and deliberation, I realised that yes, our wonderful Nickleback lead singer and the Paddle Pop mascot DO have similarities!
So, the next time you buy a Paddle Pop from that ice cream man, remember.. you are actually supporting the company of Chad Kroeger's twin.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, gives us all good reason to go out and indulge in ice cream!
P/s: Angel, you'd like that. Hehe...

Driving Licenses Size XXL

We've all heard about enlargened cheques but enlargened driving licences????

Although admittedly proud of the fact that these senior citizens are able to obtain their P licences at such an age, I wouldn't like to be in their shoes. And I can think of 2 good reasons which are:

1. Everyone looks bad in driving licence pictures. It's a fact of life. Even I do. (refer to picture below) So why would u want your unattractive face to be enlarged?

(Warning:The photo has been untampered and un-Photoshopped. Viewing of it may result in extreme turn-offness. )

2. You wouldn't be able to fit those large licences into your wallet. Of course, that'll be a very good excuse when the Policeman/JPJ officer apprehends you for not carrying your licence.
You: Sorry, Datuk, I tak bawak lesen I.
Datuk: Kenapa?
You: License I terlalu besarlah Datuk.. I bawak Kelisa ni, mana cukup nak bawak?
Thank goodness real driving licences aren't that big.

Afterthought: We know that those large driving licences are not real. The JPJ knows that as well. But do those poor innocent unsuspecting tax-paying senior citizens know that? :p

Be afraid of Sarawak

Dedicated to those who have never been to Sarawak:

I was browsing through the Star archives and I came across this story.

NO MORE HEAD HUNTING IN SARAWAK
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/12/16/nation/16337512&sec=nation

According to the story, many civil servants are reluctant to transfer to Sarawak because of their fears of head hunting, black magic and curses.
You know, that would be more believable if one says that article was written in the 1920s.

Here's a bit of info, people: HEAD HUNTING HAS BEEN OUTLAWED SINCE THE DAYS OF JAMES BROOKE!

*sigh* I've lived in Sarawak all my life and there are only 3 kinds of head hunting I've heard of.

1. The skulls supposedly hidden under the old Satok Bridge (They were supposed to protect the Bridge from falling down but apparently they didn't do a very good job cos the bridge has nose-dived into the Sarawak River)

2. The "Head hunter" logo on the mass produced Sarawak T shirts which I'm supposed to buy for a friend but never got around to doing so (sorry Zul.. Hehe...)

3. The skulls that are hung from the roof of a baruk in my kampung.
OK, maybe the above examples are not exactly the best examples to prove my point but in my defence, Example 1 and 3 refer to heads that were hunted before World War 2!

Here are some facts about Sarawak for all those who have never been here:

1. We do NOT kayuh around in perahu. We're modernlah! We attach giant balloons to our Kelisas and push them into the waters of the Sarawak River and tekan minyak. Of course, our engine will definitely get spoiled and there goes the lovely interior decor, but what would we know? Kamek orang Sarawak bah!

2. We have pretty girls. I mean, anyone who's watched Sleeping Dictionary knows that Jessica Alba is actually an Iban. That and she's got really nice breasts. Not that I saw them anyways.

3. We have longhouses too. You see, one terrace house is about 100m in length (approximation only. I was never any good at distance. I mean, I only told my Mandarin lao shi that Kuching was only 500km from Shah Alam.) So, if you put 5 terrace houses in a row, thats 500 m! See, they become LONG-HOUSES!

So, to those civil servants who refuse to come to Sarawak, all I have to say is: you're missing out on a whole lot of good food. Which reminds me, I want my laksa now.

Disclaimer: Jessica Alba is not really Iban. But I bet you all are smart enough to know that. :p

Sheba's Aid to the Community

The Borneo Post DEFINITELY has a weird fixation on toilet bowls. Just days after their breaking headline on how we Sarawakians should practice good toilet habits, the Sunday edition of the Borneo Post runs yet ANOTHER front page article on (you guessed it right)..
TOILETS!

It amuses me to think that Sarawak’s oldest English Daily (well, technically, it’s the only English Daily in Sarawak. The Eastern Times is a political tabloid, therefore it does not count) has nothing better to put on its front page than toilets.
Then again, who am I to ridicule the attempts of the Sarawak Toilet Association (STA) to make good toilet habits known to all? As such, I decided to aid their attempts.
1st, I baked a cheesecake.
Next, I burnt it.
It ended up looking like this.

(It actually tastes slightly better than it looks)

My theory is that people who eat this cake (which looks like a lasagna) will suffer gastrointestinal problems caused by inedible objects thus causing them to use the toilet.
The moment they use any bathroom, they immediately fall under the jurisdiction of the STA and will be at their mercy. The STA may then observe their toilet trips and, if deemed necessary, educate them on how to properly use the toilet. (The issue of whether it is before, during or after the toilet trip is purely up to the discretion of the STA. For the sake of the toilet goer, it had better be after. :p)
By doing so, I will not only aid my community by leading them to the one body that can teach us good toilet habits but I will also be known as Shepherdess wHo lEd pEople to BathroomS . (Short form: Sheebs)
Everyone should aid the community like me. :D

The Sarawak Toilet Association

According to the December 15th 2006 edition of the Borneo Post, Sarawakians in general practice ridiculously low standards of hygiene. According to the report, nearly 50% of people who use the loo don’t wash their hands after the dispensation of fecal matter.

It amused me deeply to imagine the poor people who had to carry out the survey. Perhaps they employed the help of the toilet guardians who collect 20 sen every time you need to take a leak.

Imagine this scene.
Toilet Guardian: Excuse me?
Toilet Goer: What?
Toilet Guardian: You got wash your hand or not?
Toilet Goer: What do you mean wash my hand?
Toilet Guardian: After you go pee pee, you wash your hand or not?
Toilet Goer: Aiyah you, why you care? Siao ah! (and walks away)

The toilet guardian then happily returns to his seat in front of the toilet and adds one more person to the list of people who don’t wash their hands.

Of course, those people who are nice enough to answer the poor toilet guardians’ question as to whether or not they wash their hands receive the kindly reputation of one who DOES wash their hands, whether or not they were lying to begin with.

If you worry about the lack of toilet etiquette among Sarawakians, fear not!
Sarawak has its very own Sarawak Toilet Association!

Although the STA’s main job is to take care of the quality of toilets in Sarawak, it will only be a matter of time before it begins to test the limits of its powers by enforcing ridiculous rules.

I can imagine it now:

New Proposals by The Sarawak Toilet Association

• To have a toilet etiquette exam in school. Students will be marked and graded for
• Whether they flush after they use the bathroom
• Whether they wash their hands afterwards
• Whether the sounds they emit are pleasing to the ear or otherwise
• Whether they wipe from front to back or otherwise (a rule jointly implemented by the Health Ministry to reduce yeast infections among women)
• To have Toilet Etiquette Campaigns to instill the right toilet mentality among Sarawakians so we too can be world class toilet users
  This can be performed by getting politicians or VIPs to sit on toilet bowls and show to all how a toilet is meant to be used (e.g. Front page picture of Borneo Post above)
• Imposing of fines on anyone who does not wash their hands, flush the toilet (no more water in the flush tank is no longer a valid excuse for not flushing) or are unable to make it to the bowl on time.

I’m not saying that the Sarawak Toilet Association is a bad thing or a thing to be laughed at but I truly believe there are more pressing matters the Sarawak Government has to attend to. Surely the councils can undertake the responsibilities of the STA and enforce them (It is their job, after all…). One would be killing two birds with one stone.

Besides, the funding meant for the STA can be channeled to more deserving clubs and associations such as the Anti-Fuckwit Club.

The Make Sheba a Princess Project

The Make Sheba A Princess Project
10 easy steps to make Sheba a Princess

Introduction: Fueled with fantasies of watching countless Disney cartoons with princesses in them, Sheba has come up with a simple way to become a princess in just 10 easy steps! Aided by the Anti Fuckwit Club, it is now possible for Sheba to become Princess Sheba in no more or no less than 10 easy steps!

1. Find a Prince
. This should be easy enough as there are countless princes out there. However, the closer the Prince is to the throne or the more good looking he is, the more difficult it is to perform step 2.

2. Flirt with Prince
. This should be easy enough to understand. It is CRUCIAL for Prince to respond to this step to go on to step 3. One must be willing to put up with Prince’s fuckwittage during the duration of the flirting. This can be made possible by meditating on 7 simple words: I, Am, Going, To, Be, A, Princess.

3. Fuck with Prince
. This can be as easy as spreading one’s legs open. However, one must also try to emphasise the “You-love-the-Prince-but-not-to-the-extent-that-it-creeps-him” feeling during lovemaking.

4. Fuck again with Prince
. Credible performance of Step 3 leads to Step 4 where again, Step 3 is repeated. The objective of Step 4 is to gain the Prince’s trust in order that he will fuck you again

5. Poke holes in condom before fucking with Prince
. Can be done by using a needle, a pin or by just tearing the teat of the condom off.

6. THEN fuck with Prince again
. This time, use condom with hole in it.

7. Tell Prince “Oops. I’m preggers”
. Must be done with big doe eyes and an I-am-so-innocent look

8. Tell Prince “Must marry me or will go tell papers”
. Utmost caution must be taken during this step to avoid being shot in the head twice, strapped with explosives and blown up all over Puncak Alam.

9. Marry Prince and Live Happily Ever after.

10. Declare Members of the Anti Fuckwit Club Datuks or Lords or Counts or whatever…
TA-DAH!

Fine print: Must be abstinent from sex with anyone but Prince during flow of chart in order for this to work.

Like This? You too can have a personalized “Make (insert name here) a Princess” Chart by just messaging me on Friendster. All this for a mere RM29.95! But wait! If you order now, I will even print out and personally autograph your own chart! What are you waiting for?

The First Meeting of the Anti-Fuckwit Club

The newly founded Anti- Fuckwit club met up yesterday to discuss matters of dire importance regarding fuckwittage. Below are the minutes of the AFC meeting.

The 1st Anti Fuckwit Club Meeting.
President: Sheelajini Paramjothy
Founder and Vice President: Sheba Gumis
Treasurer cum Secretary: Ragnild Redit
Venue: First it was supposed to be at Siang Siang Corner in Central Park but after a bout of indesiciveness, it ended up being held in the Colours.
Time: 8.00 pm-10.00pm

Objectives:
To be a fuckwit towards other fuckwits.
To educate fuckwits about the fuckwittage they are causing, whether intentional or otherwise.
Make holes in Condoms (refer to next post)
Make Sheba a Princess thus making members of the A.F.C Datuks as well.
Money in Treasury: RM1 (It used to be RM51 but later evidence showed that the RM50 the President so generously donated was actually taken out of the handbag of the Founder without her knowledge and her permission.)

Minutes:
1. An incomplete list of fuckwits and their degrees was drafted out. It reads as follows:
a. 1st Degree Fuckwit:
i. Plays with emotions
ii. Raises hopes VERY high and does not act on it
iii. Promises something but does not fulfill that promise
iv. Uses you for sexual gratification
v. Is a commitment-phobe
vi. Cheats on someone (whether its you or someone else) but has no intention of leaving that person

b. 2nd Degree Fuckwit
i. Plays with emotions
ii. Raises hopes high but does not act on it
iii. Promises something but does not fulfill that promise
iv. Falls asleep while leaving you waiting for a bloody sms/call

c. 3rd Degree Fuckwit
i. Plays with emotions
ii. Raises hopes moderately high and does not act on it
iii. Forgets things that are minute to him but are significant to you

2. Project Make Sheba a Princess was also drafted out as the AFC would carry more significance should it be patroned by a member of royalty and several Datuks. The Project can be seen in the next post.

Conclusion: The 1st AFC meeting ended up to be a complete disaster owing to the fact the the members kept diverting topics to other less important matters (such as what is the accurate definition of mantap)

The End.

Fuckwittage: A definition

I shall begin my rant with a question. What is a fuckwit?

I came across this word first in Bridget Jones’s Diary (THE book that changed my view on life) and it made me wonder what a fuckwit truly is.

In BJD, a fuckwit is someone who commits fuckwittage. Not expressly defined in the book, I perceive fuckwittage to mean the toying of one’s emotions.

Examples of fuckwittage:
Having a partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend and cheats on him/her. (E.g. Enough said)
Giving a person hope and then letting him/her down. (E.g. Promising to call and does not do so.)
As such, a fuckwit is one who commits the above, whether willingly or non willingly.

Aragorn in the Lord of The Rings who obviously was fuckwitting with Eowyn even though he already had a fiancee.
(Note the near holding of hands between them!)



According to the very enlightening (and repetitive) book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, a person who commits fuckwittage is a person who is just not that into you. I find this view rather wrong.

Being a girl, I have been victim many a time to fuckwittage and have observed how it happens. I too have also been guilty of being a fuckwit as well.

Sometimes, fuckwittage is unavoidable (like when one truly forgets to call).

Sadly, fuckwittage can also be intentional (e.g. when one neglects to call because he just doesn’t feel like it). The line between intentional fuckwittage and unavoidable fuckwittage is sometimes so fine that the lines blur and all one can see is the fuckwittage and not the excuse behind it.

Victims of fuckwittage are often rather pathetic. A victim may stay up the entire night waiting for a phone call or an sms from a fuckwit who promised to do so just to realize that he/she will not do so. Though feeling very much cheated, the fuckwittage victim will continue this sad behaviour until he/she finally comes to his/her senses.

There is no other way to entirely stop fuckwittage unless one detaches himself/herself from the fuckwit. This requires immense willpower and strength and moral support from friends.

In essence, the victim of fuckwittage knows deep down that he/she MUST detach from the fuckwit and yet he/she tries his best to deny that fact. This is where friends of the victim MUST step in to help the victim see the plain truth. One has to remember that the victim sees the fuckwit through rose coloured glasses and that there is ALWAYS a good reason to justify the fuckwit’s behaviour.

In my personal view, occasional fuckwits may possibly be forgivable (as I am one myself). However, should his/her fuckwittage continue and escalates to such a peak that it is unacceptable (this varies according to the victim), he/she will be termed a serial fuckwit and this is truly an unforgivable sin.

God Save The Fuckwits.